I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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