Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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