she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
porn star boner night. come get it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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