i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
