Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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