How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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