I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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