He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
