somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My feet surprised me
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