This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
