So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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