I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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