Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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