It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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