i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
