Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
