he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
