Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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