Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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