At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
