had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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