Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
