would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
