I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
