Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
