So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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