The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
