flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
