She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
