Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
