I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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