I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
