I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
