I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
