my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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