That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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