sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
