Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
