I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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