I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
