your parents love me but you hate me
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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