Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
