I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
