dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
