We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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