Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
