I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
