Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
