chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
