The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Send help, water and tortillas.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
