im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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