It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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