Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
