Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
